Sometimes people ask me for advice. My advice is to not ask me at all but to seek professional assistance. Sometimes the people asking won’t go away. “Tell me what you think,” they say.
“You do realise I’m an erotic writer?” I ask. “I’m not a therapist.”
“I know that, Abi, but I still want to hear your opinion.” I roll my eyes, knowing that they won’t leave me alone until I tell them what I think. The thing is, what an erotic writer thinks about most of all is sex. Lots of sex. My brain is hardwired into getting characters to have lots of hot, satisfying sex.
“I like the sound of that, they say.”
“Fuckwits,” I mutter. “Go on then, what’s the problem?”
Dear Abi,
I think I’m allergic to my girlfriend’s pussy. The first time she let me play with it, we were in the garden and I didn’t have any problems. However, I was sitting on the sofa the other night while my girlfriend was stroking her pussy, even though it was all wet. I got a bit jealous of all the attention her pussy was getting, so got my cock out and asked her to stroke that too.
Big mistake.
Not only did I start sneezing and my eyes got all watery but there was a horrible rash on my cock the next morning and I couldn’t bear to touch it for a couple of days afterwards. It’s strange because my mum has got a pussy and I’ve never had a problem with hers. My girlfriend got very upset when I told her that and she ended up kicking me out of the house. “If you think your mum’s pussy is nicer than mine, why don’t you go and play with hers you fucking pervert?” she shouted. The vicar was washing his car at the time and gave me a really funny look.
The thing is, I spent most of Sunday afternoon playing with mum’s pussy. Of course, my mum’s pussy wasn’t wet – do you think that could be the problem? I also noticed that my mum’s pussy is a lot hairier than my girlfriend’s, although I’m not sure whether this is important.
Please advise as I hate to think that I’ll have to stay away from the women I love because of my reaction to their pussies.
Jeff
Well Jeff, where do I start?
Allergies can be extremely serious and you should find out whether there is something special about your girlfriend’s pussy. Since she has kicked you out, you should take this opportunity to play with as many pussies as possible and see how you get on. I’m sure there are other women in the area who would be delighted to let you play with theirs. You could ask your mum to see if any of her friends want to help. If your mum is too busy, you could try contacting them directly. You might be surprised how keen they are for a younger man to come round and play with their pussies for an afternoon! If you do get another rash (which is always as risk if you are playing with lots of pussies), you should seek medical assistance as soon as possible.
If I was you, I’d stay as far away from your girlfriend’s pussy as possible and certainly refuse to play with it while you’re inside. You say that you didn’t have a reaction when you played with it in the garden? If you are feeling really brave, you could ring your girlfriend and ask to play with her pussy in the garden – although if the vicar sees you doing that he will probably be upset.
If you want to get back in your girlfriend’s good books, you should apologise for what you said about your mum’s pussy being nicer than hers. Your girlfriend obviously loves her pussy and it’s understandable she be upset that you would compare it unfavourably with your mother’s. In fact, it would probably be best for everyone if you kept your opinions about your mum’s pussy to yourself from now on (obviously, you can tell your mum how much you like it).
As for your mum’s pussy being hairier than your girlfriend’s, all I can think is that she doesn’t feel the need to groom her pussy as often. There is nothing wrong with that and I suggest that you simply accept that all pussies are different.